How to Not Kill Your Partner During Sex
by unknownsound
Summary: Deku & co discover a secret of the world of adult heroes. A sleep-deprived drabble. Rating for oblique mentions of sex.


_I cracked this out at 2am, cackling all the while. I do not claim ownership of any of the characters._

It was a bright, sunny day that Izuku Midoriya found himself walking along a dark alley. Normally he'd avoid this area like the plague in case thugs were around, but he didn't worry about that anymore since entering Yuuei. Several classmates of which he suddenly noticed huddled around a doorway.

"Oh, hey! Um, what are you guys doing here?"

"Deku! I knew you'd gotten my LIME message," Sero exclaimed jubilantly. "Come, we're all curious young men here; there's no need for you to act so coy."

"Actually I haven't checked my LIME account in a few days," Deku blinked. "I'm just on my way to the store for my mom - this alley is a short cut. Was something going on?"

"Ignore him," Kaminari stepped in, shoving Sero's crestfallen face aside. "You've heard of the secret shop 'Les Heroiques', right?"

"Uh, no. Is it important?"

"Damn right it is!" Kirishima joined. "It's the fabled sex shop that caters exclusively to professional capes! It's location is a trade secret - no one outside the industry knows where it is. Until now! Behold!"

He gestured grandly to a faded purple door set into a crumbling building wall. No signs, no nothing to indicate that an actual business was on the other side.

"Are you sure about this?" Deku asked skeptically.

"Well, no… But that's why we're here today; to find out! And you're gonna join us!"

"W-what?!" Deku immediately blushed six shades of pink. "I- We can't go in there! I-it's for capes only right?!"

"Exactly! And we're capes-in-training so no problem! In we go!" Sero cheerfully ripped the door open and threw Deku inside. The door led right to a pair of dusty, nail riddled steps that climbed to another door.

The other boys motioned for Deku to open it. 'Why me?!' he thought to himself, doing it anyway.

"H-hello..?" he waved bashfully, peering inside. Immediately the door was ripped open and the group of teens sucked in by an invisible force that deposited them in the middle of a large room.

"Welcome, newcomers!" A booming female voice called out. "Welcome to your new best friend - Les Heroiques!" A tanned woman with long black hair and a long skirt suddenly appeared, illuminated by a spotlight that shone from nowhere in particular.

As soon as it began, the show was over - the spotlight cut out and the soft purple lighting was raised to reveal a space filled with lewd gadgets of all kinds. Some were opaque, some were clear, like jelly; some had motors; some were small, some were big, and some were so big Deku wondered in awe who the hell they could even be for.

"You must be the new freshmen at Yuuei Academy," the strange woman purred, suddenly appearing behind them.

"I-is this the secret dirty shop for heroes?" Sero choked, looking around as if he'd found his personal heaven.

"Why yes, it is! But it's not 'dirty' - it's a store for adult fun! And I'm your guide through these halls, Madam Z!"

"Madam Z, why is this store so hidden?" Kirishima asked.

"Oh, you can't figure it out for yourself?" she cocked her head. "Think about how many times you've been recognized on the street after the televised tournament, or how visible most capes are. Now imagine someone catching them walking into a store for their...private needs."

"Oh I get it!" Kirishima exclaimed. "They're super embarrassed by this place, right?!"

"You're as thick as ever, Kirishima," sighed a voice behind them.

The boys turned around to Yaoyorozu, Kyoka, and Tsuyu standing in the doorway, Tsuyu's long tongue holding Mineta by one of his ankles.

"We caught this one sniffing around outside (ribbit)," she sniffed, throwing him to the ground.

"Heroes come here for _privacy_ ," Kyoka, the original speaker, continued. "The press would have a field day making fun of a hero they caught walking out of a sex shop. Or worse, they would be looked down upon."

"Ex-act-ly!" Madam Z proclaimed. "Capes are still people, and adults have needs. But the public just doesn't understand that. And that's why we're here!"

"I dunno, it's kind of hard to imagine anyone we know coming here," Kaminari shrugged.

"Nonsense! Even Ingenium plays with his gear shift every once in awhile! Even Cementoss tosses his own salad some nights! And where do you think Midnight gets half her shit!?" She appeared behind Deku's shoulder and purred. "And capes can date, too! Which means that some lucky lady somewhere has had her lower half 'Detroit Smash'-ed by now."

"More like _un_ lucky," Deku heard Tsuyu whispering, as if he wasn't already doubting his ability to look at his mentor in the eyes ever again.

"Could you imagine if he lost control during sex?" Yayorozu joined. "You'd be lucky to be alive!"

"I think I'd rather pray for death," Kyoka nodded grimly. "He probably has a body count. Not the good kind."

"N-now now, that's not a good thing to say about our top hero, is it?" Madam Z cut in, noticeably shifty-eyed. "But yes, some capes do have to take special precautions to not accidentally activate their quirk during... _heightened_ emotions."

"I think I see what you're saying," Mineta cut in thoughtfully. "What you're saying is...if I hid in the bathroom long enough, I'd be able to see Midnight pull her pants down."

Without flinching, Tsuyu picked him up and immediately chucked him out the nearest window. A distinct bang notified them that he landed safely on a pile of garbage cans.

"Man, this is awesome!" Kirishima said, visibly getting pumped staring at the video section. "Where are the other guys? They're so missing out!"

"Well I tried to convince Bakugou to come, but he said something about blowing my head off my shoulders if I didn't go away," Kaminari shrugged.

"I tried Todoroki and he said the same thing," Sero volunteered. "Except replace 'blowing head off shoulders' with 'frozen balls'."

"I wanted to ask Tokoyami. But I only managed to make it to 'Hey, Tokoyami!' before he said 'No'."

"I tried asking that Shinso guy from the tournament. Woke up without clothes in the middle of the cafeteria. Strange."

"Why are all the guys in our school such pouty edgelords?" Yayorozu sighed.

"We'll never find someone to actually use this stuff with at this rate…" Kyoka groaned. "No one tolerable, anyway."

"But that doesn't matter now!" Sero rallied. "Their loss! What matters now is that we're all here together...and I can buy everything I see!"

"No you can't!" Madam Z said cheerfully. "No sales to anyone under 18. Them's the law kiddies! But now that you know about this place, feel free to tell all your of-age schoolmates. And remember; capes only!" The invisible force from before picked them all up and sent them hurtling towards the door. "See you again in 3-4 years!" she cried after them before the door slammed shut.

Kaminari immediately hopped up and tried to open it back, but it was stuck fast. "No! Please! I just found my nirvana!"

For his part, Deku was glad the whole misadventure was over and secretly wondered if it all hadn't been some elaborate hallucination. Until he looked down and realized they were lying on a blanket of pamphlets - "How to Not Kill Your Partner During Sex".

The front graphic showed a stick figure man with blades coming from his body, panicking over a pile of stick-figure body parts on a bed.

For the first time since gaining his superpower, Deku finally stopped and wondered just what kind of crazy world he'd gotten himself involved in.


End file.
